My thoughts

2005-10-01T21:52:00.001-07:00

I'm still looking for something to write. After much thinking I have gathered myself in the same spot. I have nothing to say. It is like I'm empty. I don't feel anything except for the big loneliness inside. Nothing has much meaning these days. I have come again to the same dilemma. It's
1 am and my words are falling short.

2005-09-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

Time takes it all. Time bears it all away.
In the end there is only darkness.
Sometimes we find others in that darkness,
and sometimes we lose them there again.

Stephen King

And I just hope to find those ones there, in the shadows. I hope they can help me while I'm lost between realms. Maybe in darkness I can find some hope, some help. Right now. . . I'm just lost in words. These words just walk on my head. They are drowning me. I don't know what to write. Maybe time will take that too. It takes it all. In the end it'll leave me black, maybe lost, maybe with those ones I've come to miss. I just hope not to lose them again. . .

It would be too hard.

All left.

2005-09-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

This is all left.

Here I leave it. I don't know if I could take it again. Wear it again? I think I've given up. I don't know. All the long roads I walked. . . Why walk? They are all the same at the end of the day. I cannot find her. I can do nothing but give up. I feel so.

I'm tired of these fights to take; of the pain I've felt; of the tears I've shead; of the life I've made. It seems like a cry of depression. Where was I when everyone felt so alive? When everyone was laughing with joy, and pride? Was I fighting the stupid wars for love? There's no love now. Looks like I fought for nothing. Nothing. I was fighting for an empty life. Some dream life dissipated into nothingness. Death. It has killed us both. She is dead for it. I'm dead without her.

This is all left. This feeling of tireness. The feeling of sadness and unfaithfulness, unhappiness. That is all left. . .

All left.

Saw Her Again.

2005-09-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

In dreams. I still see her in dreams. Her perfect figure touching my thoughts. I cannot give her to death; my mind won't allow oblivion to take her.

Today I repeat the same words. O she has returned to my dreams. I saw her looking for a name, maybe hers. From an unpainted wall she would show it to me. She would say she wasn't happy; she was sad. She couldn't love because of the way she felt. She wasn't loved, she assured.

In dreams I would tell her I did love her. She would avoid that comment. She said love would wait for anything.

But she and I knew I had waited, enough, too much. And she knew the result of that wait.

She would just laugh with her perfect smile. Then say:

"Sometimes that happens, and people die, and one waits for an eternity."

Socrates

2005-09-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

"Still I have a favor to ask of them. When my sons are grown up, I would ask you, O my friends, to punish them; and I would have you trouble them, as I have troubled you, if they seem to care about riches, or anything, more than about virtue; or if they pretend to be something when they are really nothing, - then reprove them, as I have reproved you, for not caring about that for which they ought to care, and thinking that they are something when they are really nothing. And if you do this, I and my sons will have received justice at your hands.

The hour of departure has arrived, and we go our ways - I to die, and you to live. Which is better God only knows."

I cannot but admit the moral impact of these words. We should not fear death. It is an unknown path. Maybe it is better than life. That is for God to judge. What we should fear is the bad living, the inmoral, the unjust. For if we act in such ways, we will be our own judges, and in life, in our last step before death, our conciousness will remember us our acts. That's a paradigma of life. We will only remember the good or the bad we have done, not the common. It is our desicion to die like Socrates. Calm and proud of approaching another truth.

2005-09-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

Reflections from sight.

To her there

2005-09-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

We are near the end.

Life is so short

I cannot understand

What’s the meaning of being there

In the place where I stand.

I’m dying lonely,

Yes, I’m all alone.

I never found thee

The way I needed all

Thoughts these days

2005-07-16T15:50:00.000-07:00

I was thinking on the things I've been going through lately. It has become a permanent thought. It is there in my head, wandering around, whispering, and scaring my dreams. I don't think I'm sleeping anymore. I can't get the thoughts out of my head. It is like I've been awake. I don't know... it feels like I'm alive because of that, because I'm awake, I'm loving, I'm suffering. Sometimes, it feels like death. Life has been strange lately. Not strange, but it throws everything to me. I cannot understand it. Loneliness, sometimes it hurts more; sometimes it hurts less; sometimes it doesn't hurt at all, although that may just be a little while. I have been alone the most part of these days. I'm with my friends. I see them everyday. My family, it's there. But something else is missing. Beyond any smile I can give, and any company I have, there's still that whisper, the voice that calls for some company. I miss someone I don't even have. I care on someone I have hurt. She accused me of not caring for her, on not expecting that bad from me. As much as that can mean, that is a big deal. I have hurt her, but she doesn't understand I have hurt myself worst.

Those are my thoughts these days. They are like whispers because the soft voice of my consciousness keeps repeating the same words. And I have given all away. Sometimes I think I am depressed. I wake up without much enjoyment. I eat without much desire. I speak with some anger; I’m not even in the mood to speak. All those things make me feel lonelier than I already am. I think people will just walk away because I’m being harsh. They keep themselves around me these days. School is almost over and I’ll see them less. I’m going to travel next week, but I don’t feel the enjoyment supposed to come with it. Three weeks out of this place, it should make me think different.

I feel like everything is getting farther. Everyone is living their lives, and they don’t care about mine. My words have lost their meanings and their truth. I cannot find my old inspiration again. I have days without writing something that make me enjoy I’m writing. I don’t even know if what I’m saying is true. I just hope writing helps me clean my head, maybe… clean my heart. People say it can help, emptying your mind. I have said it too, but it feels so far something you say to someone when you are not having the same thoughts, or the same suffering. I just hope it helps.

I want to return with a new perspective from that trip. I must. Life is changing to me. It is always changing, but now come the big steps. I’ll step on an older society. I need to return fitting in. Not changing my own self-statements, that’s not what I mean, for I must continue being independent and special.

If someone asks me what to expect of life these days, I don’t know what I would answer. I don’t know what to expect of tomorrow. I know I’ll wake in the same bed, and I’ll go through the same feelings. I will still expect a call from her. She hasn’t talked to me. I’ve been seeing her, but I have not been with her. She has raised a wall between us. “What a friend” I ask myself. She said I was forgetting about her and I didn’t want her anymore. She is not able to see I want her more these days. I’ve been lonely since she walked away. She might think I fell in love with her. I may have. I am. I don’t know. I don’t even hear her voice, her true voice. She looks at me and speaks to herself deep inside. I don’t know what she has heard, but I miss her. “What a friend”. She said we would be friends. She asked me to be her friend forever, to promise to be her friend always, to swear it. I think she failed that promise. In a week I will walk away. In a month she’ll do the same. I won’t see her face until graduation. I just hope I don’t feel like this then.